So wifey noticed that the hob extractor fan/grille thing was unclean. Filthy would be more accurate.

So filthy that I later found a Bernard Mathews turkey with it`s head in the fan, desperately trying to commit suicide in a more familiar environment than a gas chamber.

Anyway, "Should we get a man in?" she says.
"A man?? A man??" says I. "WTF for?"
"Ok, a woman then" she retorted (or taunted!!).

"I can do that little job" says I. "By the time you get back from spending more money on more things to fill more wardrobes and more cupboards, I`ll have it done." Sounding confident was my first mistake.

To work then. I dug out my one and only screwdriver that somehow almost fits every screw known to every screwmaker, then stood back to consider the task in hand.

I lifted the cooker hood and the light and fan came on, which left me thinking there must be a switch. Indeed there was, hidden behind a small plastic door with a small plastic hinge which I quickly broke off. Power off and down to the real work.

Only two screws seperated me from the fan unit thing and two quick screws later and they were in my hand.

Now, the whole thing appeared to require a sort of twist to get it off, so I twisted. Unfortunately, I only twisted the front bit and you can imagine my surprise when suddenly, falling through the gap were a million little charcoal bits, each the size of a match head.

They fell on to the hob, the sink unit, the worktop and the floor (where they rolled under every possible appliance, then rolled back a little just to tease me, then rolled further under).

I stood in shock and awe. This was worthy of a film - I could already see the poster - a film by Quentin Tarantino starring Donnyblogger in........Attack of the Chargoyles.

At least it gave me access to the grille thing which I was able to remove and clean. I then gathered up as many of the Chargoyles as I could, which left a bit of a shortfall. But then a brainwave!!! I filled up the gaps with whole black peppercorns and wrestled it all back into place.

Now that should have been the job completed, indeed strictly speaking it was. As I moved back however, I forgot the open cooker hood behind my head and sort of banged into it, knocking it off it`s ermm things that held it on.

Fortunately, the screws on it were just the right size for my magic screwdriver and little more that 2 hours later the job was completed.

Epilogue: Lunch became dinner which meant that my son & daughter both missed their trains back to Uniland. So I got pissed. Oh well, all`s well that ends well.

Who needs a man? Or a woman for that matter.

PS - need any jobs doing?