donnyblogger

Just today, Wifey mentioned her period pains yet again.

Now usually I am very supportive of her but today I started to become a little weary of such comments (especially when in the same breath she mentioned that this is the year of our 25th Wedding Anniversary).

So I did a quick calculation.....

Period = 5 days/month = 60 days/year = 1500 days for 25 years (less 3 kids at 9 periods each x 5 days - 132 days off the total).

So total = 1368 days of moaning about period pains.

Thats 1368 days I have had to suffer!!!!! And they are called periods?? Thats longer than the 100 days War!!!!!!!!! Some period.

So i told her straight.....STOP moaning woman and sort yourself out!!!

I have suffered the equivalent of almost 4 years daily moaning and it has to stop now!!!

Do you think she understood? Do you think she sympathised?

NO SHE DIDN`T.

Typical woman.......Me Me Me.

Even Asda are against me!!!

Wifey received this letter this morning.

Dear Mrs. Donnyblogger,

Whilst we thank you for your valued custom, the Manager of our store in Doncaster is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

5. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

6. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

7. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

8. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

9. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

10. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Asda Stores Ltd.

Wow!! I just realised my life can be recalled by listening to one double CD.

Spent a lot of time in the car yesterday, so whilst sat twiddling my gear stick I leaned over to the glove box (WTF is it called that for? When was the last time anyone stored a pair of gloves in there?) and found double CD left there by the boy – The Best of Bowie.

So in it went and my life just whistled by!

Not every song had a special meaning, but lots did. The dates are guessed at. I could have looked them up I suppose but the guessing is part of the fun isn`t it?

LIFE ON MARS @1972
School trip to somewhere and getting slagged off for my poor singing voice and even worse Bowie impression. Song was arranged by Mick Ronson (God bless him and Billy Porter).
JOHN, I`M ONLY DANCING @1973
Missed it at the time but 6 months later I just had to have it. A mate got it for me off a stall on Scunthorpe market of all places – Cheers Cat.
REBEL REBEL @1974
Hot tramp, I love you soooo. And I did, but she didn`t.
YOUNG AMERICANS @ 1975
There ain`t one damn song that can make me….break down and cry. After 5 years at a boys school, the first year at college was ermmm enlightening. So much so that a new mate ( a bit older than me with his own flat!!!) from Liberia lent me his flat for an afternoon and me and J went there and kinda broke his bed. After college I never heard from him for 25 years (I presumed he`d gone back to Liberia and been killed in all the bad stuff there) then one afternoon he called me on my mobile from the USA where he`d been for years; his first words were “Can you afford to pay me back for the bed yet?”. PMSL!!!!!!!!!
FAME @ 1975
Me sat at the front of the bus and my mate A sat towards the back. Me singing one line and him singing the echo. And that was before a drink! Interestingly, co-written by John Lennon – not a lot of people know that.
GOLDEN YEARS @1976
I really was the Thin White Duke miming in front of the jukebox in the Staff of Life.
HEROES @1977
Did I really sing this line by line to F and expect her to be seduced? Little wonder that she cleared off to Germany for the Summer.
BOYS KEEP SWINGING @ 1977
And boy was I a boy! You have times in your life when you couldn`t pull your own plonker, others where anything with two legs just falls at your feet (female and male shhhh).
ASHES TO ASHES @ 1978
F returned with the most amazing shirt for me. The girls loved it, the boys hated it. So much so that one night they did actually rip it off my back and tear it to pieces. Even worse, I couldn`t get a taxi to stop for me without a shirt on.
MODERN LOVE @1983
My mate`s wedding (get me to the church on time). Four of us in a hired Fiesta tearing up the A1 when it started to get noisy and draughty. Looking in the mirror I saw the hatchback slowly rising and the big red hat starting to hover above the parcel shelf. Moments later, it was gone. The girls were not happy!
JUMP THEY SAY @ 1993
Must have been in the middle of my first mid-life crises. JUMP!!
LITTLE WONDER @ 1977.
Just too personal to write about.
WILD IS THE WIND @ 1976 - 2007
Still a great track for loving to (and at 5 mins long it just about suits me – there!! I said it first).

Who the hell was Mr Fashionably Funny doing the presenting?

"I`l make sure I get in the papers tomorrow" was his script methinks.

The bands?

Chilli Peppers just blew the rest away.

Oasis? Have become the band they used to take the piss out of....shame really.

Report complete.

So wifey noticed that the hob extractor fan/grille thing was unclean. Filthy would be more accurate.

So filthy that I later found a Bernard Mathews turkey with it`s head in the fan, desperately trying to commit suicide in a more familiar environment than a gas chamber.

Anyway, "Should we get a man in?" she says.
"A man?? A man??" says I. "WTF for?"
"Ok, a woman then" she retorted (or taunted!!).

"I can do that little job" says I. "By the time you get back from spending more money on more things to fill more wardrobes and more cupboards, I`ll have it done." Sounding confident was my first mistake.

To work then. I dug out my one and only screwdriver that somehow almost fits every screw known to every screwmaker, then stood back to consider the task in hand.

I lifted the cooker hood and the light and fan came on, which left me thinking there must be a switch. Indeed there was, hidden behind a small plastic door with a small plastic hinge which I quickly broke off. Power off and down to the real work.

Only two screws seperated me from the fan unit thing and two quick screws later and they were in my hand.

Now, the whole thing appeared to require a sort of twist to get it off, so I twisted. Unfortunately, I only twisted the front bit and you can imagine my surprise when suddenly, falling through the gap were a million little charcoal bits, each the size of a match head.

They fell on to the hob, the sink unit, the worktop and the floor (where they rolled under every possible appliance, then rolled back a little just to tease me, then rolled further under).

I stood in shock and awe. This was worthy of a film - I could already see the poster - a film by Quentin Tarantino starring Donnyblogger in........Attack of the Chargoyles.

At least it gave me access to the grille thing which I was able to remove and clean. I then gathered up as many of the Chargoyles as I could, which left a bit of a shortfall. But then a brainwave!!! I filled up the gaps with whole black peppercorns and wrestled it all back into place.

Now that should have been the job completed, indeed strictly speaking it was. As I moved back however, I forgot the open cooker hood behind my head and sort of banged into it, knocking it off it`s ermm things that held it on.

Fortunately, the screws on it were just the right size for my magic screwdriver and little more that 2 hours later the job was completed.

Epilogue: Lunch became dinner which meant that my son & daughter both missed their trains back to Uniland. So I got pissed. Oh well, all`s well that ends well.

Who needs a man? Or a woman for that matter.

PS - need any jobs doing?

In a rare moment of seriousness, my mate and I were discussing this searingly hot political issue.

Our conclusion......

The Bhurka should not be worn through choice, it should be made compulsory for all ugly women.

It`s a win win situation.

For women:
They would not have to waste endless hours applying make up in a valiant but vain attempt to look attractive.
They would save money on said make up and also not have to buy hair straighteners,dryers etc.
They could all dance together in clubs without feeling the need to compete for attention.
Facial hair would cease to be an embarrassment.

For men:
We would not be fooled into thinking a woman is attractive by 10 pints of beer.
We could have special Bhurka nights where we could go out unkempt and unshaven.

The clothing trade:
Novelty bhurkas could be produced providing a much needed boost to the rag trade. Christmas ones, Valentine ones, Big ones, Thong ones etc.

You see? I can be serious upon occasions.

My last blog on The Police reforming set me thinking and remembering...back...back...back a long long time.

To the time when to the background of their second album (was it Outlandos d`Amour or Regatta de Blanc - I can`t remember, it`s all Dutch to me - or something) a certain young lady and I ermmmmm for the first time.

Now was it Waliking On The Moon or The Bed`s Too Big Without You when that magic moment was reached. Either way, I`m sure the old LP was still on Side 1.

Well I was very young!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So The Police are reforming to perform at the Grammys then do a tour.

Bet that`s only a tenner a ticket......

So there was 4 of us, all well pissed and heading to yet ANOTHER bar.

Charley decides he needs more cash so we stop at a machine.

He puts in his card, puts in his pin, then foolishly followed my mate`s suggestion that he should take a look at what`s walking by.

I seized the opportunity and hit the £200 button. Next thing he looks back to the machine and it`s spewing out the cash.

"Wow!!! I aint even said how much I wanted, It`s f** giving money away!!" or words to that effect.

So pleased was Charley that he bought us all more drinks and INSISTED on a curry......all at the expense of the free money.

By Sunday the three of us feel guilty. Well, two of us do, I`m still laughing.

So i sat and watched some of Question Time tonight, principally because it was recorded in Doncaster.

Had I known it was to be, I would have applied for a ticket - my fault for not watching it every week i guess.

Anyway, much of it focussed upon the problems we have with race and religion which did set me thinking about what my question might have been.

I wonder if this would have been allowed?

" Nig nog, Paki, Coon, Wog. These were all words that a just a few years ago were used on mainstrean tv (anyone remember Love Thy Neighbour? As a 16 year old I always fancied errmmm Nina Baden Semper, I think that was her name) let alone the playground or the workplace. At the time that these words were regarded as acceptable, racial tension was almost non-existent because they were accepted in the spirit in which they were used. Over the past few years and as use of these words has become regarded as rascist, racial tensions have escalated, to the point where we are tagetted by suicide bobers. Do the panel see any link between the "banning" of these words and the rise in racial tension?"

It would have been interesting at least!!!!!!!!!

Someone left a Dido cd in the car.

How can anyone listen to a 45 minute song of the same droll drivel?

I have this theory that she actually died of boredom halfway through the recording and her existing voiceovers were just added to some more crap music to complete the cd.

She was fit though.