donnyblogger

Now far be it from me to suggeat that wifey`s ass has errmmm blossomed but I bring disturbing news.

Today she was in such a rush for work she forgot to put her knickers on.

At lunchtime she called in Asda and bent over to pick up some breadcakes.

Next thing, she was arrested for carrying 20kg of crack!!!!

I ask you...............

Here is the weather forecast for tomorrow in Iraq.

Sunny in some quarters....

Sheeeeite in others.

End of broadcast.

iiiiiisssss thhhhissssss thheee sitttteee iiiii boooouuuughghhtt thhhiiissss viiiibbbrrrraaattttoooorrrr frrrooommm?????

iiiifffff sssoooo caaaaannnn yooouuu tellll meeeee hooooowwww tooooo tuuuuurrrrrnnnn theeee fecccccckkkkiiiin thhhiiiingg offfffff???????????

plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

It seems I`m gonna have to spend a lot of over night time in the Birmingham area over the next few months, so I`m seeking a red hot lover.

Be warned though, there is a strict criteria....

Must be under 45 and have 2 legs. Legless would be acceptable after midnight.
Oh and preferably female. In fact that`s a must.

Previous applicants need not apply.

So tonight I was channel hopping and came across this collection of 70s stuff on The Hits channel (presented by Tony Blackburn, of course).

It was going through 70 vids and although I was unable to watch them all - wifey said I had to change position during our lovemaking so I missed at least half a song - I did catch a song that had an effect in a pub the likes of which i have never seen repeated.

Now you`ve got to remember that this goes back to a time when songs weren`t played on the radio until they were released. Also, the man came round and updated the jukebox every week so if a song was released on that day it went straight into the jukebox and that might be the first time that you heard it ( I know this because A. I`m a smartass and B. I worked in a pub).

Anyway, there I was in The Yorkist (now a Holiday Shop) one Thursday night and I see Let`s Stick Together by Bryan Ferry, released just that day and unheard by most. You know, the one with Jerry Hall whooping it up.

So it had to be played. As it came on, everyone just stopped talking and listened. At the end everyone was clapping and cheering!

I`ve been confident for many years that the applause was for me, whilst may mate contends it was for the song. I secretly suspect he was right but I would never admit it to him.

Has anyone else known a great response to a jukebox song?

I got Bolognese on a new white shirt ( I knew I should have taken it off before eating but wifey wouldn`t let me do that in the middle of the retsaurant).

So did top wash but stain remained. So someone suggested a Stain Devil.

Wow!! They come in all different flavours and they`re all numbered.
eg Number 1 is for blood, Number 2 is for ink, there`s even one for Monica Lewensky stain (Number 69 naturally).

Anyway i found one for curries (near enough) then followed the instructions. "Put some on a clean white cloth then dab and rub at the stain etc".

The killer though, is it also tells you to wash the clean white cloth when you have finished, in order to avoid stains!!

ermmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Over Xmas wifey has put on a few pounds.

She asked me today if i loved her.

I said I loved every inch of her.

Then added that I have a lot of love to give.

She hit me.

Tearing down the M6 yesterday in the howling winds. A truck blew onto it`s side about 100 yards ahead.

I slipped into movie mode and just like James Bond I dropped a gear, swerved to the right and avoided it. My manouvre would have been extremely successful but for the fact that just as i passed the truck cab, the driver decided to raise open his door like a submarine hatch and then launch himself from the cab to the safety of the floor. He never found the floor.

Instead he found the bonnet of my car and as he found himself splayed across my bonnet he looked straight at me with a quizical expression.

Given I was in movie mode, I had him down as the arch villain who was desparately seeking to cause me to lose control of the car. I swerved from lane to lane, drawing grim satisfaction from the shape of his nose pressed against my windscreen and the fact that his quizical expression had now become one of utter terror.

As with all baddies, he was difficult to shake loose. Suddenly I braked, confident that this would shake free his hold of my wing mirrors.

I was half right. He flew forwards from my bonnet but took the wing mirrors with him. The volicity carried him through the air, across the central reservation and smack onto the front of an articulated truck. His body hit it just below the windscreen and his hands, still gripping the wing mirrors hit the windscreen. The mirrors acted as suckers, enabling him to hang on.

The driver now found himself staring at two oblique reflections of himself which caused him to believe that he was hallucinating. He braked hard and the man flew forward from the windscreen, mirrors still in hand.

He held his hands to his head in a futile attempt at self protection as he flew, once again, across the central reservation.

Unbelievably, he landed through the open door of the cab which he had jumped from a few minutes ago.

Moments later the Police arrived and appealed for witnesses. They could not work out how the driver appeared to have been stuck in his cab yet had grown two BMW wing mirors from the side of his head.

Now they know.

A post from Fatal set me thinking about neighbours...

Impress them
Fill your garden with old kitchen appliances such as fridges, freezers, cookers....they will think you`ve just had a smart new kitchen fitted.

Dispute?
A sentence ending in "Or else I`l shoot" rarely fails to win an argument.

Crazy
Don`t let then drive you crazy when they are within walking distance.

Good luck!

Wifey just came downstairs and said, "Don`t you always feel filthy when you`ve cleaned under the bed.".

Hmmm "You should feel filthy when you are IN the bed!!" says I.

Well I thought it was funny!!

Somehow the question of our wedding anniversary was raised over lunch today. As if that wasn`t enough, wifey insisted on getting out the wedding Album.

There follows a list of her comments followed by (in brackets) my best recollection of my thoughts at the time.

You look really happy there (I didn`t think it would last)
You look fed up on that one (you`d just told me your period was due)
What a wonderful surprise this horse & carriage is (I wonder if they do funerals)
Doesn`y my frien .... lokk nice (I could give her one)

So next time ladeeeez that you choose to look at the Wedding photo`s, don`t try to read minds!!!

It was suggested to me by a former internet lover (that`s former, not farmer) that I should write an autobiography.

I say former because she dumped me for a real person. A REAL person!! Can you believe that? And he can`t do PC stuff - so no msn sex. And he`s dyslexic so you can imagine his text sex....

"I wanna lock ur beasts until ur nappies are like billets. Then I wanna sack your clot until u go mm".

Anyway... back to the autobiography. I got as far as "I was born..." then I got writer`s blick (ooops block).

Whatever next?

So there I was at Asda, being unusually kind and complimentary to the Milk Maids, The Deli Dollys, the Bakery Bints etc.

I was even complimentary to the Pizza Plodders.

Whereas in the past I might have commented upon the fact that they appeared to have enjoyed a particularly large turkey over Xmas, I actually suggested that the Xmas choccies had had no effect upon them whatsoever and that their trim physiques looked as delectable as ever.

Then one of them asked me why I was being so kind and I explained that my New Year resolution was........ to tolerate women.

I was met with a hail of abuse!

Why?

So there I was listening today to that ABC CD when it came to a bit on Track 5 (I think it was) which went like:

Now I`m shaking a hand and I`m clenching a fist
And if I had a pound for each moment I missed
And I got dancing lessons for all the lips I should kiss
I`d be a millionaire, I`d be your Fred Astaire.

Not particularly profound I know, but that`s not the point.

It`s just a clever lyric. Now that set me thinking about others.... but because they aren`t profound, just clever, you can`t remember them until you hear them again.

Or horny ones like... (TY subs) The Pretenders...

He`s got his hands in my hair and his lips evrerywhere.

So clever or horny lyrics on a postcard to me please because I`m bored and I wanna work out what song they`re from (clues are acceptable)