Did you have a good day today?

I didn`t…and this is why.

I took my car to the dealer for the third time for him to sort out the crap Bluetooth connection. I was met with the same old drivel as before about compatibility of certain phones etc but they just seem to fail to understand…..why, for the sake of a mad mullah, was it working perfectly for 9 months if it`s incompatible??

So I left it with them and waited for them to give me a lift home. I sat and worked. Thirty minutes later I got a lift home. I arrived home just as the plumber arrived to fix the toilet. Half hour`s job he said. This placated wifey somewhat as she paced up and down dying for the loo, demanding why I didn`t tell her what time he was coming. I didn`t know. Have you tried getting a time of arrival out of a plumber? More chance of a free hand job from a lady of the night. I sat and worked.

Thirty minutes later she can wait no longer. I have to get a cab to the outskirts of town because she can`t walk for fear of flooding the town again and go and spend a tenner in a coffee shop so she can have a pee. We returned home. I sat and worked.
Half an hour later…..he was done. As he walked out another fella appeared at the door. The Water Company scientist who was here to investigate why our drinking water appears, over the past few months, to have been supplied to our tap directly (and unfiltered) from the River Ganges. Water off again but this time at the outside stopcock thing. Said scientist then proceeds to thrill me with his knowledge of water and how it is affected by the breakdown of compounds in old taps, washers, pipes and anything else to do with the water supply. I sat and tried to work but his genuine interest in his job was so thrilling that I found myself enthralled by the history of the tap.

An hour later he is almost done and goes out to turn on the outside stopcock thing. He returns frowning…. It`s stuck and faulty. We shall have to get the men out but don`t worry they will be here this afternoon. He will return at tea time to complete his tests once the supply has been re-established. He left. I sat and worked.

Thirty minutes later the men arrive and proceed to quiz me upon the actions of the scientist, their view being that he must have done something to cause this problem. I explained, “I know nothing Mr Faulty!” so off they went with tools in hand. I sat and worked.

Twenty minutes later they returned….all ok now. Is your water working? I have no idea! You told me it wasn`t so I haven`t tried it. I tried it, it didn`t. Much discussion followed and eventually it came to work. I sat and worked.

Ten minutes later another knock. I open the door to find the water men quizzing the new man, who they presumed to be the water scientist, about his knowledge of water systems and how he had come to stop it working. He didn`t know. He was from the car dealer and had come to pick me up.

Get to the dealer and face the same old answers. Basically it`s a factory fit option that should not be allowed to be fitted to a pedal car.

I get home to find the road closed by bollards and plastic fences left by the water men who have now disappeared. I finally get in the house. I sit and work. Ten minutes later the water scientist returns, turns the water off and on again, makes sure that it is wet and goes.

So do not ask me if I have had a good day please!!

I was about to recount a very erotic yet amusing tale of sex in the street when I noticed that I`ve kegged the sleeve on my new jumper.

It`s put me right off.

Well it`s been 7 months since a blog. Why did I stop? maybe life took over....maybe I stopped being funny...maybe I never was funny!

But it isn`t humour that has called me back, it is this......

Remember today when the time arrives for the next general election won`t you.

Today the Prime Minister of Great Britain surrendered many of our sovereign rights to a European Parliament. And he did it secretly so the newsreel could not be aired and aired again (maybe near a General Election). We are treated with contempt.

This is a treaty which many senior European politicians boast is little different to that rejected by the French and Dutch populace a couple of years ago; yet we are told it is nothing like the original.

So, have we ever voted to have a President? No we haven’t but my friends, that is what we will soon have – a President of the European Union…….representing us!!

I could give you many examples of waste – like the fact that the whole shooting match is moved from Brussels to Strasbourg and back again every so often just to satisfy the honour of the French, or the fact that a new Radio Europe station is soon to hit the airwaves broadcasting European propaganda which we will subsidise to the tune of £11500/day – but you are probably already aware of these and a hundred others.

It is best summed up by the fact that, a few weeks ago, for the THIRTEENTH consecutive year, the appointed Auditors refused to sign off the accounts because so much money could not be accounted for. That`s right, the thirteenth year ffs!!!!

If that happened to a Director of a business he would at the very least face the sack and possibly jail. Those clowns have got away with it for thirteen years.

Remember today when the time arrives for the next general election won`t you

I read a blog just yesterday which reminded me of something....

A few weeks ago I was in a large Chinese Restaurant following a day at the races. I think just about everyone else in there had been racing too and I think it is fair to say that some were a little worse for wear.

Anyway, i go off to the toilet and standing by the door are two women having a ermmmm heated debate (about a man of course).

When I came out, the debate was becoming more heated and was on the verge of a catfight.

Using my usual charm, wit and repartee I tried to diffuse the situation by suggesting that they should take it outside...preferably to a mud filled paddling pool where they could undress and fight naked, charging men a tenner to watch.

It had the desired effect in that a giggle was raised. hugs and kisses followed, tearful remorse from both of them but then......they had a right old go at me for being a typical man!!!

I wish I`d just read the Bible to them.

You may/may not have noticed but just yesterday our wonderfully honest Members of Parliament (the Right Honourables? Gimme a break will ya)voted through the Commons a Bill excusing them from the Freedom of Information Act.

This means that they will no longer have to publish their expenses for all to see. Only a reading in the House of Lords stands between this becoming "the law".

They even usued Parliamentary procedure to ensure that the Bill was squeezed through with the minimum of fuss (all peeing in the same pot or what???).

Now, we can just sit back and let this happen or at least attempt do something to prevent this going through. What can we do?

I ask that everyone mails their MP advising them of our disgust at their actions and if enough of us do it we might just make them feel ashamed and cause the Bill to fail. Also, I suggest that all mails are copied to a newspaper where they could be collated and a feature made of the public disgust we all feel towards the "Right Honourables" (the Daily Mail would be good for this).

Remember it is YOUR money they are spending and they are trying to hide their expense claims from you.

DO SOMETHING!!!!

You know, I`m of the age whereupon I can remember England failing to qualify for World Cups and Euro Championships and having to support other "home" sides like Scotland (not that they would support us the sweaty sock twats and there`s another thing...Andy Murray? Would support anyone playing England yet the masses and the media support that Braveheart Faintheart Fartarse!!) and Ireland (Guiness drinking, bomb carrying tractor drivers).

And now we face the prospect again of those grotesquely overpaid ermmm athletes (say what??) failing and letting down all their countrymen (and pretend football fans countrywomen) once again.

They should hang their heads in shame and donate at least one month`s salary to charity that bunch of wasters!!!

Grrr I`m so angry I can`t type anymore.

Just today, Wifey mentioned her period pains yet again.

Now usually I am very supportive of her but today I started to become a little weary of such comments (especially when in the same breath she mentioned that this is the year of our 25th Wedding Anniversary).

So I did a quick calculation.....

Period = 5 days/month = 60 days/year = 1500 days for 25 years (less 3 kids at 9 periods each x 5 days - 132 days off the total).

So total = 1368 days of moaning about period pains.

Thats 1368 days I have had to suffer!!!!! And they are called periods?? Thats longer than the 100 days War!!!!!!!!! Some period.

So i told her straight.....STOP moaning woman and sort yourself out!!!

I have suffered the equivalent of almost 4 years daily moaning and it has to stop now!!!

Do you think she understood? Do you think she sympathised?

NO SHE DIDN`T.

Typical woman.......Me Me Me.

Even Asda are against me!!!

Wifey received this letter this morning.

Dear Mrs. Donnyblogger,

Whilst we thank you for your valued custom, the Manager of our store in Doncaster is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.

5. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

6. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the anti-depressants were.

7. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

8. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

9. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

10. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."

Yours sincerely,

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Asda Stores Ltd.

Wow!! I just realised my life can be recalled by listening to one double CD.

Spent a lot of time in the car yesterday, so whilst sat twiddling my gear stick I leaned over to the glove box (WTF is it called that for? When was the last time anyone stored a pair of gloves in there?) and found double CD left there by the boy – The Best of Bowie.

So in it went and my life just whistled by!

Not every song had a special meaning, but lots did. The dates are guessed at. I could have looked them up I suppose but the guessing is part of the fun isn`t it?

LIFE ON MARS @1972
School trip to somewhere and getting slagged off for my poor singing voice and even worse Bowie impression. Song was arranged by Mick Ronson (God bless him and Billy Porter).
JOHN, I`M ONLY DANCING @1973
Missed it at the time but 6 months later I just had to have it. A mate got it for me off a stall on Scunthorpe market of all places – Cheers Cat.
REBEL REBEL @1974
Hot tramp, I love you soooo. And I did, but she didn`t.
YOUNG AMERICANS @ 1975
There ain`t one damn song that can make me….break down and cry. After 5 years at a boys school, the first year at college was ermmm enlightening. So much so that a new mate ( a bit older than me with his own flat!!!) from Liberia lent me his flat for an afternoon and me and J went there and kinda broke his bed. After college I never heard from him for 25 years (I presumed he`d gone back to Liberia and been killed in all the bad stuff there) then one afternoon he called me on my mobile from the USA where he`d been for years; his first words were “Can you afford to pay me back for the bed yet?”. PMSL!!!!!!!!!
FAME @ 1975
Me sat at the front of the bus and my mate A sat towards the back. Me singing one line and him singing the echo. And that was before a drink! Interestingly, co-written by John Lennon – not a lot of people know that.
GOLDEN YEARS @1976
I really was the Thin White Duke miming in front of the jukebox in the Staff of Life.
HEROES @1977
Did I really sing this line by line to F and expect her to be seduced? Little wonder that she cleared off to Germany for the Summer.
BOYS KEEP SWINGING @ 1977
And boy was I a boy! You have times in your life when you couldn`t pull your own plonker, others where anything with two legs just falls at your feet (female and male shhhh).
ASHES TO ASHES @ 1978
F returned with the most amazing shirt for me. The girls loved it, the boys hated it. So much so that one night they did actually rip it off my back and tear it to pieces. Even worse, I couldn`t get a taxi to stop for me without a shirt on.
MODERN LOVE @1983
My mate`s wedding (get me to the church on time). Four of us in a hired Fiesta tearing up the A1 when it started to get noisy and draughty. Looking in the mirror I saw the hatchback slowly rising and the big red hat starting to hover above the parcel shelf. Moments later, it was gone. The girls were not happy!
JUMP THEY SAY @ 1993
Must have been in the middle of my first mid-life crises. JUMP!!
LITTLE WONDER @ 1977.
Just too personal to write about.
WILD IS THE WIND @ 1976 - 2007
Still a great track for loving to (and at 5 mins long it just about suits me – there!! I said it first).

Who the hell was Mr Fashionably Funny doing the presenting?

"I`l make sure I get in the papers tomorrow" was his script methinks.

The bands?

Chilli Peppers just blew the rest away.

Oasis? Have become the band they used to take the piss out of....shame really.

Report complete.